Tuesday, August 5, 2014

10 unrealistic changes that would make motherhood MUCH easier

This is revolutionary: I realized today that motherhood doesn't really have to be as difficult as it seems most days. It takes a little imagination to change a few things about the world, but then we're golden.

So, welcome to my fantasy world called "Motherhood is Easy".

This is the land where my children ride unicorns on the beach while singing songs about how awesome I am. Rivers here flow with fruit punch and deliciously nutritious gummy bears grow right on the trees. There are eternal rainbows overhead and all the people of the land are happy, happy, happy.

If you are very weary of the humdrum world where life is hard, you, too, could live here. There's plenty of room, since I made it all up and it isn't real. I am selling oceanfront real estate here on the Beach Where No Children Fight for only one gazillion Monopoly dollars.

It's completely worth every penny. You will love it here. Here are the real selling features of this place:

1. No one ever asks for food from you. That's right. No grocery shopping. No cooking. No overcrowded fridge. No temper tantrums because there are microscopic pieces of tomato and basil in the pizza sauce. No more dessert negotiations. It's miraculous, this place. Lattes and hot chocolate flow from the kitchen faucet into self-cleaning cups, and the children can walk outside and find any delicious thing they need growing in the wild. It's a veritable cornucopia of no-work-whatsoever out there. 

2. Bad attitudes do not exist. There is no foot stamping, teeth grinding, mean refusals to do perfectly sane things like brush teeth, use soap, or put the laundry in the basket. No one yells at you when it's time to practice piano. No tweenage black cloud descends inexplicably over your sweet almost-grown-up baby. There aren't any crumpled math pages or fists put through walls because a brother got mad. It's a land of sanity and well-managed emotions. You have to see it to believe it.

3. Clean clothes do, in fact, grow in trees. We don't need laundry rooms here. No need to purchase, wash, dry, fold, and put away what's been worn. Just toss the dirty stuff in the clothing compost pile and grab a new frock off the branch. It's like manna from heaven you can wear. 

4. Naps are everyone's favorite things. The minute I feel the tiniest bit tired, everyone else is THRILLED to go take a nap. And naps don't affect the perfect 10 hours all the kids sleep every night here. SO, there are 12 hours a day we are all asleep. This sleep thing may be connected to the total lack of bad attitudes.

5. Children can be magically transported. If Boy 1 has football practice in Cedar Park the same time Boy 2 and 3 have a birthday party in South Austin and the Lady has ballet downtown, I just wiggle my car keys and *poof!* they are all instantly right where they need to be. Then I eat gummy bears from the tree outside and take a nap.

6. There is an Easy Button. What's that? Having a hard time explaining fractions, the dangers of premarital sex, or the reason the cicadas make that loud sound? Frustrated by a knotted up ponytail holder, "essential" Lego pieces that someone glued together, or a difficult chemistry homework assignment? The Easy Button is your new best friend. Push it and be set free, my friends.

7. Kids LOVE to do their chores. After all, there are no bad attitudes here. Those awesome kiddos execute their duties well without being asked 127 times. This magical land is a well-oiled machine and it is pure bliss.

8. The Golden Rule reigns supreme in all the land. The astounding thing about this is that IT WORKS. Kindness, thoughtful acts of love, merciful grace, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness, they all seem to be the keys to healthy and happy people. Who knew? Oh, wait- Jesus knew. That's why He told us to live like that.

9. Everyone is healthy. There are no tummy bugs in this pretty place. Not a single fever, ear infection, cancer cell, or broken bone exists in my perfect land. Because of this, we don't have to manage grumpy kids with coughs who didn't sleep last night, or watch our children suffer through painful sickness. Also, I am never worried about what *could* happen. Because life is all good here- for like, ever.

10. Time travel is possible. Are you missing the way your 5th grader used to say "boobewwy" instead of blueberry? Want one more chance to hold that squishy-faced baby you first brought home from the hospital? Do need a hug from your too-cool-for-school kid, and know that will only happen if you travel back a few years? This is the place for you. Go on back in time and relive the glorious moments that you were too tired or too short-sighted to recognize as so ridiculously special the first time around. 

See? Motherhood can be totally easy. It just took a few adjustments and a little imagination. If you're interested in that oceanfront property, let me know. It's selling like hotcakes.

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