Tuesday, November 12, 2013

when your dreams don't make sense

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
-Psalm 126:1-3

Way back when I had a belly full of Boy 3, when I cradled Boy 2 in one arm and handed sippies to Boy 1 with the other, a dream began in my heart. Like a giant sequoia, it stands firm. No other dream seems to be able to replace it.

My understanding of the dream, why it sits so permanently fixed, and how it will all work out is shrouded in a hazy fog.

I live in the awkward space between my dream and my reality. In my mind I rework my life like a Rubik's cube. I've never been good at puzzles like that. Try as I might I can't make sense of the way a woman can carry a dream so dearly, and yet feel no certainty from God that it will ever become a reality.

The cares and concerns of daily life crowd in. I set my dream aside, and forget it for a week, maybe a month.

Then a friend sends me a text, I meet someone with the same dream, or my husband preaches a message on a Sunday morning, and the dream is back in my hands. The dream pulses with light and love. The rhythm of my heart seems once again to follow the melody that resonates from it.

I find I must actually do something to keep my heart from despairing. A tiny step. A small offering. A day spent in prayer and fasting, as I entrust my dream to God again.

I quietly push doors open, peeking through at what I hope will be an answer, a path, a way to birth the dream into reality.

Sometimes I wonder if the dream isn't simply God's holy thread to my heart. Could it be His way of guiding me back to Him when He sees me wander away from Him?

I never linger on that thought for long, though. If it is His way of lassoing me to Him, then it is doing its job, and I am grateful to be pulled closer to God. And if it isn't, then I am left right where I started, wholly dependent on Him to bring it to pass.

Faith, love, trust, and dreams build the deep places of my heart. They dig out holes in my selfishness and build foundations upon which life rests.

I hope to see my dream fulfilled someday. I would like to make sense of it and understand it. I long to solve the Rubik's cube of why, how, and when.

But if I never do, I am grateful to carry its weight of glory as I follow Christ into the future. Because as I turn the sides of this puzzle, I am continually amazed at how the Lord has done great things for me, and I am filled with joy once again....

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