Monday, November 18, 2013

let it go, mama

When the Lady was three years old, she frequently referred to the future as "when I turn big." As in, "When I turn big, I'm going to ride a bike." and "The boys will think I am so strong when I turn big." and "I won't drink from a sippy cup anymore when I turn big."

We thought it was so cute. We laughed and pretended that the day would never come when she would "turn big", because she's our baby and babies are nice to have.

But now I face the reality that our little Lady, our fair warrior of joy, is turning five years old (which is very big) on Thursday.

I die a little just typing that.

I have braced myself for this week for a solid twelve months. Even still, I think I may not make it through in one piece.

She used to be so little....

God draws a line in the sand and tells the ocean to stop. But He won't draw a line in time and keep her little.
I love Him for this truth.

I am crushed by this truth.

Motherhood will mess you up, is all I am trying to say.

Saturday I read her ballet books and played Hullabaloo with her. We did silly dances and made monkey sounds and I was happy down to the core of my bones.

But the aching truth is that I miss seeing her baby face, and I can already predict that I will miss her funny little almost five-years-old ways before I know it.

I would love for her to keep believing Santa is a big fat man who comes down the chimney, even though her brothers have broken the true science of Christmas down for her.

I would be fine if she never figured out she doesn't know trivial facts about life. At breakfast today Boy 2 asked her where beef comes from. She replied, "From PIGS. That's an easy one!" Yes, sweetie, pigs it is!

Can she love baby dolls forever, sing songs about Jesus in the backseat, and always crawl up in my bed at 2 am when she has a bad dream?

All this is happening right now. Truly, right now, she is amazing.

Deep down my mind pacifies my heart, reminding me that she will always be amazing, simply because she is my daughter. I will relish every moment of her life all the way up through the years.

Today I grab age five and I squeeze every silly joke and sassy face out of it. She is mine for a few more years, and I will not let go of her.

Let it go, Mama. The words keep rolling around in my head.

I will let go a little of my longing for baby cheeks and raspberry sounds, for little baby dances and first steps, for toddler snuggles and mispronounced words, and for all the wonderful moments that lie in a magical place called The Past.

We have to hold onto today while we can. And tomorrow? Well, tomorrow we will hold something else entirely new; because tomorrow I think I may have to turn a little big myself....

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