Thursday, November 7, 2013

how did I get here?

Boy 2 has a gross wart on his foot. Because it's big, ugly, and bothersome, I made an appointment for him with our pediatrician and we went after school today.

All four kids and I checked in and waited to be called. Then we waited a little longer in the tiny examination room. The Lady and I read magazines. Boys 1 and 2 read books. Boy 3 spun until he was dizzy on the little stool in the room.

The doctor came in, familiar and cheery. She has been our pediatrician since the beginning, and she marveled at the sight of these giant children she first met as newborns.

"Everyone is so big these days!" she smiled at me.

"Yes, I know. Too big," I replied, full of melancholy smiles and sighs.

"Are you sad? Will you have more babies?" she asked.

"A little sad, but no more babies," I reported.

The wart was examined and she asked Boy 2 to lie down so she could freeze it off. He was ill-prepared for the experience.

At first the liquid nitrogen gadget distracted him. Then his eyes widened as it got cold, and I reached my hand out for his.

When it began to hurt him, he squeezed my hand hard, and looked at me in disbelief.

In my soul I heard his heart cry out to mine, "How did I end up here??"

An hour ago he was at school. A few minutes ago he was watching Ice Age in the waiting room. Moments ago he was bored out of his mind.

And now, it hurts more than he ever thought it could.

Big crocodile tears fell down his face, and I offered to carry my sixty-five pound baby out of the doctor's office.

He declined the offer, then limped toward the door.

My soul cried out to God, "How did I end up here??"

It seems like just an hour ago when I carried him everywhere. A few minutes ago he was playing trains and learning his letters. Moments ago he was too little to do anything on his own.

And now, he's bigger than I ever thought he could be.

Later in the car the pain resurfaced and I placed my hand on his leg again while I prayed. I thanked God for this fine and loyal boy we cherish, and asked Him to meet my son's great need for love, healing, and strength.

My children are so very big these days, but my hand will never stop reaching for them. Not even for one moment....


  1. Every time Carrie, EVERY TIME, it made me cry yet again! You put so beautifully to words what a loving mothers heart feels. I feel the same way daily, they are growing so fast. Way TOO fast! I cherish every single moment! I'm so thankful God blessed us with our precious little ones!!

  2. So beautifully written! :) LOVE! always!